The office is sleek and modern, with a massive desk
cluttered with scripts and a framed poster of a generic Hallmark movie: a
couple kissing under mistletoe in a snowy small town. MS. HARGROVE, a jaded
woman in her 50s with sharp glasses and a no-nonsense suit, sits behind the
desk, sipping coffee. MIKE, an overly enthusiastic man in his 40s wearing a
tacky Christmas sweater in July, bursts in with a thick binder under his arm.
MIKE
(breathless, grinning wildly)
Okay, MS. HARGROVE—can I call you Karen? Executive Karen? No? Fine, Ms.
Hargrove. I’ve got it. The pitch that’s gonna REDEFINE Hallmark Christmas.
We’re talking RATINGS GOLD. Emmy bait. No, wait—People’s Choice Award bait.
Picture this: "JINGLE BELLS AND ALIEN SPELLS: A COSMIC CHRISTMAS
CATASTROPHE!"
MS. HARGROVE
(sighing, not looking up from her laptop)
Mike, it’s July. We just wrapped the last batch of these sap-fests. And
"Alien Spells"? Hallmark doesn’t do sci-fi. We do predictable romance
with a side of fake snow.
MIKE
EXACTLY! That’s why this is GENIUS. We’re innovating. Staying true to the
formula but cranking it to ELEVEN. Hear me out. Our heroine: Brittany
Snowflake—wait, no, better: HOLLY EVERGREEN. She’s a high-powered corporate
executive in New York City. You know, the kind who HATES Christmas because her
parents died in a tragic EGGNOG-CHUGGING ACCIDENT when she was a kid.
MS. HARGROVE
(raising an eyebrow)
Eggnog-chugging? That’s… specific.
MIKE
TRAGIC! Builds sympathy. Anyway, Holly’s played by LACEY CHABERT—obviously.
She’s got that girl-next-door vibe, but with a power suit. She’s all about
closing deals, firing elves—wait, no elves yet. So, her boss sends her to the
quaint small town of MISTLETOE MEADOWS to shut down the local… um… Christmas
Tree Farm slash ALIEN ABDUCTION MUSEUM.
MS. HARGROVE
Alien Abduction Museum? Mike, if you don’t stop now, I’m calling the
police. And an ambulance.
MIKE
(interrupting, pacing excitedly)
YES! It’s run by our hero, JACK KRINGLEMAN—no, JACK FROSTBITE—no, JACK
KRINGLEMAN. He’s a rugged, single dad with a heart of gold and abs of steel.
Played by… drumroll… RYAN REYNOLDS! But get this: Ryan as a flannel-wearing
lumberjack who secretly believes in aliens because his wife was abducted by
them on Christmas Eve.
MS. HARGROVE
Ryan Reynolds? In a Hallmark movie? He’d cost more than our entire budget
for fake snow machines.
MIKE
(waving it off)
Details! We can CGI his face on a body double. Or get his stunt double from Deadpool.
Anyway, Holly arrives in town during a FREAK snowstorm—classic—and her car
breaks down right outside Jack’s farm. BOOM! Meet-cute. She slips on ice, he
catches her, they share a lingering stare while "Jingle Bells" plays
faintly from a passing sleigh. And the tow-truck driver who originally pulled
her out of the ditch? Unbilled cameo—ROBERT DE NIRO, muttering, “You talkin’ to
me? …You talkin’ to Christmas?”
MS. HARGROVE
(leaning back, arms crossed)
This sounds like every other movie we’ve made. Except for the aliens. Why
aliens?
MIKE
Because it’s ABSURD! It’s satire wrapped in cheese! Okay, so Holly checks
into the only inn in town, run by a quirky old couple—BETTY WHITE and MORGAN
FREEMAN, because why not? Betty’s the sassy grandma who bakes cookies that
predict the future, and Morgan’s the wise grandpa who quotes Shakespeare while
fixing the plumbing.
MS. HARGROVE
Betty White is dead, Mike.
MIKE
(undeterred)
Deepfake! Or her hologram. Moving on. Holly’s there to appraise the farm for
demolition, but Jack shows her around. They bond over decorating a GIANT
Christmas tree that’s actually an ALIEN BEACON. Subtle foreshadowing. Jack’s
kid—little Timmy, played by that kid from Stranger Things, but with normal ears
for now.
MS. HARGROVE
Elf ears? You’re losing me.
MIKE
So, opening credits: Snowy New
York skyline, "Deck the Halls" orchestral version playing. Cut to
Holly Evergreen in her corner office, yelling into her Bluetooth: "No, I
don't care if it's Christmas Eve tomorrow! Close the deal or you're fired!"
Her assistant—played by a cameo from Ariana Grande as a perky intern—brings her
coffee. "Ms. Evergreen, your flight to Mistletoe Meadows is booked."
Holly groans: "Small towns are for losers and lifetime movies."
MS. HARGROVE
Lifetime? That's our competitor!
Self-deprecating humor! Cut to the airport: Holly's luggage
is a designer bag stuffed with spreadsheets. Plane lands in a blizzard—stock
footage. Rental car skids into a ditch. Enter Jack: Pickup truck pulls up,
window rolls down. Ryan Reynolds with a beard: "Need a lift, city
girl?" She hesitates, but climbs in. Banter: "You drive like a
maniac." "Better than walking in heels." Sparks fly.
Scene two: Next morning: Holly at the farm. Jack's
chopping wood shirtless—in December, because hot. Timmy runs out: "Dad,
the aliens are coming!" Holly: "Aliens? This town's crazier than I
thought." Jack explains: "It's tradition. Every year, lights in the
sky. My wife saw them up close." Flashback: Wife (played by Blake Lively,
Ryan's real wife for irony) beaming up into UFO, waving goodbye.
MS. HARGROVE
Blake Lively? So now it's a family affair?
MIKE
Chemistry! Montage time: Holly in heels
trudging through snow, Jack teaching her to chop wood—SEXY axe-swinging scene.
She hates it at first, calls it "barbaric," but then she NAILS a log
and feels EMPOWERED. Cut to them baking gingerbread men that come to life—wait,
no, that’s too much. Just regular baking, with flour fights and ACCIDENTAL
kisses.
MS. HARGROVE
Accidental kisses? In the first act? Pace yourself.
MIKE
Fine, lingering hand touch over the dough. Tension BUILDS. Then, the town
festival: The Annual Mistletoe Meadows ALIEN SIGHTING PARADE. Everyone dresses
as reindeer crossed with little green men. Holly scoffs, calls it
"small-town nonsense," but Jack explains how the aliens bring MAGIC
to Christmas—literally. Flashback: His wife was abducted, but she sent back a
message via CROP CIRCLES saying, "Save the farm!"
MS. HARGROVE
Crop circles in snow? This is getting more demented by the minute.
MIKE
THANK YOU! That’s the point. Satire! Now, enter the villain: Ebenezer
Scrooge McCorporate, Holly’s ex-boyfriend and boss, played by… TOM HANKS. But
EVIL Tom Hanks, with a mustache he twirls.
MS. HARGROVE
Tom Hanks as a villain? He’d never—.
MIKE
It’s a stretch role! Oscar buzz.
Scrooge
wants to turn the farm into a MEGA-MALL for Black Friday deals year-round. No
Christmas spirit there. So, conflict: Holly’s torn between her job and her
growing feelings for Jack. They have a BIG fight when she reveals she’s there
to shut it down. She storms off into the blizzard—CLASSIC walkout.
Holly's phone rings: Scrooge says:
"Demolish it by Christmas or else!" She confesses to Jack over hot
cider. "I'm here to shut you down." He: "I knew it. City folks
like you don't get small-town magic." Storm out. Holly cries in her room,
looks at old photo of parents chugging eggnog—tragic backstory monologue:
"Mom, Dad, why did you have to compete in that contest? Ten gallons was too
much!"
MS. HARGROVE
Eggnog contest? You're killing me.
MIKE
No, I'm killing THEM! Emotional depth!
Act two low point: Holly packs to leave. Blizzard hits. Lost in woods, snowman
visions: Parents as Frosty and Mrs. Frosty: "Holly, Christmas is about
heart, not charts!" Song sequence: They dance, sing "All I Want for
Christmas is You" but changed to "All I Want for Christmas is True
Love and Aliens Too."
Rescue: Jack on snowmobile.
"Can't let you freeze. Even if you're a corporate Grinch." Back at
farm, fireside chat. Jack: "My wife didn't leave; she ascended. Aliens
chose her." Holly: "I lost my parents to dairy overload. We both have
scars." Almost-kiss, Timmy interrupts with Comet the puppy: "He
followed me from the crop circles!"
MS. HARGROVE
Again with the crop circles?
MIKE
Foreshadowing! Next day: Town meeting. The
mayor, who just happens to be played by SAMUEL L. FRIGGING JACKSON, says, "Motherf—
I mean, merry folks, we gotta save the farm!" Plan: Bake-a-thon with love
pies to sway Scrooge. Holly bakes with Jack, flour fight turns steamy. Kiss!
Finally.
But twist: Scrooge arrives
early. Bulldozers rev. Town blocks them with human chain, singing carols. Holly
confronts: "Tom—I mean Scrooge—this farm is more than land. It's
magic!" He sneers: "Magic? Bah humbug!"
Climax: Midnight, Christmas Eve.
Sky lights up. UFO descends. Alien Queen (Blake Lively in green makeup):
"Jack, I've found peace in the stars. Be with Holly." Beams cosmic
energy into the tree, which glows, saving Christmas. Scrooge's heart grows
three sizes—literally, CGI effect. He cancels the mall: "I'm opening a
charity instead!"
MS. HARGROVE
(rolling eyes so hard they nearly fall out)
Grinch rip-off. Disney will sue us into the next dimension Another
lawsuit.
MIKE
Public domain now! Act two: Heartbreak and hijinks. Holly gets lost in the
woods, hallucinates from the cold—visions of her dead parents as dancing
snowmen, singing "Let It Go" but with Christmas lyrics. She realizes
Christmas isn’t about profits; it’s about LOVE and ALIENS.
MS. HARGROVE
(to herself)
Frozen rip-off? Another lawsuit.
MIKE
Anyway, Jack rescues her on a snowmobile shaped like a sleigh. They share
cocoa by the fire, he opens up about his abduction trauma. Romantic tension
peaks with an almost-kiss interrupted by Timmy bursting in with a PUPPY he
found—abandoned by aliens, of course.
MS. HARGROVE
A puppy? Now we’re adding animals?
MIKE
Every Hallmark needs a cute pet. This one’s named COMET, and it GLOWS IN
THE DARK. Subplot: The town baker—played by MELISSA MCCARTHY as plus-sized
comic relief—is secretly an alien in disguise, baking pies that make people
fall in love.
MS. HARGROVE
Melissa McCarthy? Mike, the way you’re going, you’re going to need a
loan from the World Bank to finance this.
MIKE
Cameo! One scene. She slips Holly a pie, and suddenly Holly’s dreaming of
Jack in tights—like, superhero tights, but Christmas-themed. Wake up,
embarrassment. Then, the BIG reveal: The Christmas tree farm is built on an
ANCIENT ALIEN LANDING SITE. Every Christmas Eve, aliens come to recharge
SANTA’S SLEIGH with cosmic energy. If the farm closes, NO MORE CHRISTMAS
WORLDWIDE!
MS. HARGROVE
(sarcastically)
Oh, sure. Because Santa needs aliens. This is beyond clichéd—it’s clinically
insane.
MIKE
Insanely PROFITABLE! Think merchandise: Glowing Comet plushies. Alien
ornaments. Now, climax: Christmas Eve. Scrooge arrives with BULLDOZERS. The
town rallies—carolers, snowball fights against the construction crew. Holly
stands up to Scrooge, quits her job live on the local news (run by WHOOPI
GOLDBERG in a Santa hat).
MS. HARGROVE
Whoopi? Really?
MIKE
DIVERSITY! Then, the aliens ARRIVE. Big UFO lands, beams down Jack’s
wife—who’s now the ALIEN QUEEN. But she’s happy up there, gives her blessing
for Jack to move on with Holly. Poof! Magic snow falls, farm saved, Holly and
Jack marry under the tree, aliens as bridesmaids. Timmy: "Best Christmas
ever!" Everyone kisses under mistletoe. Comet glows. Roll credits with
bloopers: Ryan flubbing lines, Melissa eating real pie.
MS. HARGROVE
That’s… the end? It’s ridiculous! Aliens blessing a divorce?
MIKE
Ex-abduction! Twist: The aliens are SANTA’S ELVES from another dimension.
Mind BLOWN! Fade out on the couple, kid, and glowing puppy watching the
Northern Lights spell "MERRY CHRISTMAS."
MS. HARGROVE
Mike, this is the most psychotic thing I’ve ever heard. Hallmark is about
feel-good romance, not sci-fi nonsense.
MIKE
But that’s why it’ll WORK! It’s meta. Poking fun at our own tropes while
delivering them. Plus, casting: Lacey, Ryan, Tom, Melissa, Morgan, Betty’s
ghost, De Niro’s cameo—RATINGS THROUGH THE ROOF!
MS. HARGROVE
Don’t take this the wrong way, Mike, but do you have pain with these
spells?
MIKE
(continuing, even more manic)
WAIT! I forgot the B-plot: Timmy’s quest to contact aliens with a homemade
radio. He befriends a stray cat that’s actually an alien scout. Cat
talks—voiced by IAN MCKELLEN. Gandalf as a cat: “You shall not pass… without
treats!” During the bake-a-thon, cat sneaks ingredients that make pies
levitate—comedy gold.
MS. HARGROVE
(flat, pinching the bridge of her nose)
Ian McKellen is a cat. Of course he is.
MIKE
Scene: Timmy and cat in barn. Cat: “Young human, the mothership
approaches.” Interwoven with main plot. Another scene: Holly’s transformation
montage. From suit to flannel, city hair to messy bun. Music: Pop version of
"Santa Baby" but "Alien Baby." Conflict escalation: Scrooge
bribes the mayor—SAMUEL L. FRIGGING JACKSON turns it down: “I don’t do snakes on a
sleigh.” Pre-climax: Holly’s big speech: “I came here to destroy, but you
taught me to believe—in love, in Christmas, in extraterrestrials!” UFO arrival
detail: Aliens emerge—little green men in Santa hats. Dance number:
"Jingle Bell Rock" with laser lights. Resolution: Scrooge reforms.
Post-credit scene: Comet beams up, becomes space dog. Sequel tease!
MS. HARGROVE
Mike, I need a drink. A very large one. Possibly intravenous.
MIKE
Now, that's just the outline. Let me flesh out more scenes.
There's the subplot with the inn's haunted mistletoe—every time Holly walks
under it, she gets a vision of future kids with Jack. And the rival love
interest: Jack's ex-neighbor, played by Jennifer Aniston as a jealous baker who
sabotages the pies.
MS. HARGROVE
Aniston? Do you have any idea how many greeting cards Hallmark will need
to sell to finance this?
MIKE
Dream big! We film in Canada, use real snow. Celebrities? Negotiate. And
think of the buzz!
And that's not all! We can add musical numbers. Original
songs: "Alien Angel" ballad, "Mistletoe Mayhem" upbeat
dance.
Casting expansions: Cameos from Hallmark alums like Candace
Cameron Bure as a nosy neighbor. Or Elon Musk as himself, visiting the farm
because "aliens are real, bro."
MS. HARGROVE
Elon? Now it's product placement?
MIKE
TESLA SLEIGHS! Genius.
MS. HARGROVE
Mike, I don’t know how to tell you this, but…I really think
you need professional help.
MIKE
THAT’S IT!
MS. HARGROVE
(tentatively)
It is?
MIKE
(eyes lighting up like a malfunctioning Christmas tree)
A doctor! Get this: we need a scene where Holly’s having a full-on crisis of
faith—“Is ANY of this real?!” So we bring in the town’s world-renowned,
Nobel-Prize-level SCIENTIST-SANTA-EXPERT DOCTOR who runs the North Pole
Research Institute out of the back room of the feed store. He bursts in with
charts, an MRI of Santa’s brain, and a sworn affidavit from Rudolph’s nose.
The doctor who PROVES Santa Claus is real and not a delusion? NICOLAS CAGE.
Full National Treasure mode, hair flying, screaming “SANTA IS A LIVING
SAINT-LEVEL ENTITY AND I HAVE THE DNA TO PROVE IT!” while waving a glowing vial
of what is definitely just glitter and eggnog.
He does the whole scene in a lab coat covered in jingle bells. Oscar clip.
MS. HARGROVE
Of course. I should have seen it coming.
MIKE
So what do you think?
MS. HARGROVE
Do you really want to know?
MIKE
DYN-O-MITE, isn’t it?
MS.HARGROVE
(quiet, exhausted, staring at the ceiling like she’s praying
for a meteor)
You know what, Mike? Fine. Just… lean all the way in.
Make the aliens turn out to be the actual Three Wise Men who got lost in a
wormhole on the way back from Bethlehem.
And give Santa a cameo at the end—riding in on a flaming chariot pulled by
eight cyber-reindeer with laser antlers.
Played by The Rock. Shirtless. In a red velvet thong.
MIKE
(eyes go saucer-wide, binder already open, pen flying)
THREE WISE MEN ALIENS!
DWAYNE JOHNSON AS BUFF SANTA IN A THONG ON A LASER-REINDEER WAR CHARIOT!
GENIUS! PURE CHRISTMAS GENIUS! I’LL HAVE THE NEW PAGES BY TOMORROW MORNING!
MIKE sprints out of the office at full speed, sweater lights
blinking like a police chase. Door slams.
MS. HARGROVE
(sits in perfect silence for five long seconds)
…What have I done?
She slowly lowers her head to the desk.
Thunk.
FADE TO BLACK. TV
