Who's Wonderful Life is it, anyway?

A few years ago, I got into the habit of writing vaguely humorous, Christmas-themed pieces that were even more eccentric than the usual content here. One year, it was imagining "A Christmas Carol" as an episode of The Twilight Zone; another time I speculated on recasting It's a Wonderful Life with various comedy teams in the roles of George Bailey and his guardian angel, Clarence; I got two stories out of Miracle on 34th Street, beginning with Fred Gailey as the Mystery Guest on What's My Line; and a few years later looking at proposals for various series concepts based on Fred's life after Miracle.

This year, it's a return to the world of Bedford Falls. Believe it or not, although it's almost impossible to imagine anyone else as George Bailey, the always-reliable Wikipedia says both Cary Grant and Henry Fonda were, at various times, considered for the role. Needless to say, it would have been quite a different movie with someone else, so we thought it would be interesting to speculate on what a dozen or so alternate versions of It's a Wonderful Life might have looked like, and how they would have appeared in the pages of TV Guide. 

To Catch George Bailey

Having been falsely convicted of theft from the Bailey Savings and Loan, George Bailey (Cary Grant) escapes after the train taking him to prison derails. With the help of his beautiful wife Mary (Grace Kelly), Bailey attempts to recover the money by breaking into the French villa of the real culprit, international thief Le Noir Potter (Martin Landeau) while being relentlessly pursued by the police detective obsessed with his capture (John Williams). Hitchcock cameos as a gargoyle.

Twelve Angry Bankers

When sinister financier H. F. Potter (Orson Welles) attempts a hostile takeover of Bailey S&L following the sudden and unexpected death of the CEO, the CEO's son, George (Henry Fonda), must try to convince the other eleven men on the bank's board of directors to reject Potter's offer. Initially Bailey is the only member to oppose the offer and, one by one, he attempts to sway the votes of the others. Co-stars Milton Berle, Alan Hale Jr., Sid Melton.

Genesee Blvd.

Savings and loan president George Bailey (William Holden) is found floating face down in an icy river, having apparently jumped to his death from the bridge. In flashbacks narrated by Bailey, we see the events that led to his death, involving his wife Mary (Barbara Stanwyck), mistress Violet (Jane Greer), alcoholic partner Bill (Edmund O'Brien) and hedge fund manager Henry Potter (Vincent Price). Meanwhile, Lieutenant Bert (Ray Collins) is determined to get to the truth. 

The Bailey Syndrome: A Space Odyssey

After returning from the first manned mission to Mars, astronaut George Bailey (Keir Dullea) discovers neither his wife (Peggie Castle), mother (Gladys Cooper) or anyone else in his hometown has any memory of who he is. Suspicious that his flight has somehow altered history, he consults astrophysicist Sam Wainwright (Roy Thinnes), who tells Bailey he believes his ship's computer, P.O.T.T.E.R. (voice of James Earl Jones) has something to do with it.

The Best Years of Bedford Falls

Returning from World War II, Army veteran George Bailey (Dana Andrews) finds that everything has changed in his hometown of Bedford Falls. Now being run by the mob, led by gangster Potter (Edward G. Robinson), the town has turned into a haven for brothels and gambling tables. Bailey hopes to clean up the town with the help of his old friend, alcoholic Police Chief William (Dan Duryea), and former flame Mary (Gene Tierney). 

Life at Point Blank Range

After having been imprisoned on trumped-up embezzlement charges, a bitter George Bailey (Lee Marvin) returns to his former home of Bedford Falls, determined to seek revenge against those responsible for putting him in prison: his ex-wife Mary (Jessica Walter), his former partner Bill (Henry Silva), and syndicate head Potter (Richard Widmark). Along the way, he reunites with an ex-con friend (Lee Van Cleef) and his former sister-in-law (Angie Dickinson).

The Manchurian Bailey Brother

Relying on a deathbed confession from an alcoholic pharmacist (Dean Martin), intelligence officer George Bailey (Frank Sinatra) races against time to thwart a plot to assassinate President Henry Potter (Raymond Massey). The assassin? Bailey's brother Harry (Laurence Harvey), a Medal of Honor winner who was unknowingly brainwashed by the Chicoms to kill every time an angel gets its wings. Mary: Janet Leigh. Wo Fat: Victor Buono.

Do Not Forsake Me Oh George Bailey

George Bailey (Gary Cooper) finds himself standing alone against the villainous Hank Potter (Kirk Douglas) for control of Bailey's hometown after the rest of the town's citizens desert him. When even George's wife Mary (Patricia Neal) urges him to give up the fight and let Potter win, Bailey knows he has only one choice left to him and calls out Potter to shoot it out on Genesee Street at high noon. John Wayne makes a cameo appearance as the town's marshal.

Tommy Tune's Wonderful Life

After winning a local dance contest, teens George and Mary (Mickey Rooney, Judy Garland) head to New York, hoping to make it on Broadway with the backing of their friend Sam (Oscar Levant), who's just made a fortune in plastics. Their big break arrives when Potter (Bob Fosse), a famous impresario, takes an interest in them—provided Mary's willing to visit his casting couch. Gwen Verdon, Twiggy. Sammy Davis Jr. appears as himself. Delightful songs by Allan Sherman. 

Die Wonderfully Hard

When his ex-wife Mary (Sigourney Weaver) is taken hostage during a terrorist attack at the Bailey Savings and Loan Christmas party, George Bailey (Bruce Willis) attempts to free those trapped inside from the villainous Potter Meinhof Gang and its leader (Christoph Waltz), unaware that Mary already has the situation under control. With Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mel Gibson, Harrison Ford, Charlize Theron, and Chris Elliot. Fantastic special effects.

The Seventh Day of Christmas

Ingmar Bergman's masterpiece. A weary knight, Sir George of Bedford (Max von Sydow) returns from the Crusades and enters into a chess match with the black-robed Potter (Bo Svenson) for the soul of his village's citizens. The penalty if he loses? Death. Olympic star Sonja Henie appears in the skating scene. Mary: Scarlett Johansson. Clarence: Dolph Lundgren. Violet: Inger Stevens. Uncle Bill: Viggo Mortensen. Shown with subtitles. Viewer discretion advised.

The problem with Hollywood today is that too many decision-makers are afraid to think outside the box. Your mileage may vary, of course, but I think any of these movies would be a cinch to join the Christmas canon. They didn't happen, but they could have, couldn't they?  TV  

Recast It's a Wonderful Life? It's about time!

HOPE AND CROSBY AS GEORGE BAILEY AND CLARENCE ODDBODY? WHY NOT?

Since we went about reimagining one Christmas classic last week, why not take on another one this week? After all, for many people, Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without watching It's a Wonderful Life on TV. I'm not one of those people—there's something about the dimwittedness of George Bailey that irritates the hell out of me. (And I like Jimmy Stewart!) I mean, sometimes you just want to grab him by the shoulders and slap him: “Don’t you get it, man? Clarence is an Angel! When he tells you that you don't exist in this world, believe him!” Until NBC mercifully stepped in a few years ago and obtained exclusive TV rights to the movie, one lived under the constant threat that someday they would find It's a Wonderful Life airing on every station, a kind of Orwellian nightmare that could turn even the biggest Christmas fan away from the Yuletide season forever. It's humbug, I tell you (keeping in the spirit of things).

I'll admit, as I always do, that I could be wrong about this; judging by the number of people who cite the movie as their favorite, I probably am.* So I've had to live with its presence; we even own it on DVD, though I don't think we've ever watched it. It just seemed somehow sacrilegious to not have it. But think of how dull life would be if had the same tastes and liked the same things?

*Of course, I have my own favorite, as I've mentioned before.

With that in mind, a few years ago I started thinking about how the movie might be saved, or at least made more palatable for people like me to watch. And then the answer came: remake the movie as a buddy picture with George and Clarence being played by a famous comedy team! Now, adaptations of It's a Wonderful Life have been done many, many times, probably as often as A Christmas Carol—after all, what better way to show someone the value of their life by demonstrating how different the world would have been without them? But unlike Carol, nobody has ever tried to actually remake the original story with the original characters; instead, they invariably try to shoehorn it into a program's existing cast or storyline, and that misses much of the story's character.

I realize that the Frank Capra estate probably has some kind of firewall constructed to prevent such an action, but at this website we live in world where pretty much anything can happen, restricted not by the laws of man but the creativity of the writer. So why not this? Let's see what might happen if we recast the two leads, and let their chemistry carry the rest. Herewith, a half-dozen suggestions for comedy teams that might be able to pull it off, and the relationships on which their performances would be based:

1. Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie (Jeeves and Wooster)
I think this might be my favorite of all the variations. Laurie, who's been in way better shows than House, would be perfect in adapting his well-meaning but bumbling Bertie Wooster to the uncomprehending George, while Fry, who was simply unflappable as the faithful valet Jeeves, would be a stellar Clarence. Fry and Laurie are always wonderful together, and it would be terrific seeing them take on this pair.

2. Bing Crosby and Bob Hope (The "Road" movies)
Another thought that makes me smile. With Crosby as the cool, hip Clarence and Hope as the neurotic George, these two could give Wonderful Life a well-needed facelift. "C'mon, Junior, don't you get it?" Crosby/Clarence says. "You were never even hatched from the egg." Bonus points for casting Dorothy Lamour as Mary, and Joan Collins as Violet.

3. Jackie Gleason and Art Carney (The Honeymooners)
This one makes me laugh out loud. Imagine the look on Gleason's face when he finds out that his guardian angel is Ed Norton! You know, the expression that says, "Why didn't you just let me die back there?" And Clarence saying, "Georgie boy, you don't wanna be living down in the sewers with me." The more I think about it, the better it fits.

4. Tony Randall and Jack Klugman (The Odd Couple)
Or Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau, if you prefer; either way, it works wonderfully. "George, George, George," Felix/Clarence says sadly, "you've made such a messy life for yourself. But just imagine if you'd never been born in the first place?" One drawback: Clarence's loud honking from his sinus condition after he and George are pulled from the freezing water.

5. Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis (all their movies together)
Two scenes describe it all: Lewis/George falling to pieces when he finally figures out the truth of what Martin/Clarence is showing him, and the scene in Potterville where George runs after the spinster Mary: "Lady!  Hey, Laaaady!" To which Clarence, with a drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other, replies, "Pally, you got a lot of learnin' to do."

6. Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman (Sherlock)
Not one you'd immediately think of, but then, why not? Could anyone be more precise, logical and irritating than Sherlock Holmes as Clarence? Not only would he demonstrate that George was now living in an alternate world, but he'd go on to explain exactly how it had all happened. Of course, you'd still have to explain how he and George survived going over  Reichenbach Falls. Andrew Scott (Moriarity) makes a cameo appearance as Mr. Potter.

See how easy it is? (I imagine it'll become the latest at all the office parties.) There are other options, of course: Charles Grodin and Robert DeNiro (Midnight Run, and wouldn't that be dark?) or Peter Falk and Alan Arkin (The In-Laws), but you get the idea. I'm willing to stake my reputation that any one of these combos would make for a better movie than the original. Well, maybe that's being a little presumptious, but you'd have to agree that at least it would be a different one. And I'd be only too happy to see if you can come up with some others. TV  

Recasting "It's a Wonderful Life"

For many people, Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without watching It's a Wonderful Life on TV.  I'm not one of those people - there's something about the dimwittedness of George Bailey that irritates the hell out of me.   I mean, sometimes you just want to grab him by the shoulders and slap him: “Don’t you get it? Clarence is an Angel! When he tells you this is a world in which you never existed, believe him!”  Until NBC mercifully stepped in a few years ago and obtained exclusive TV rights to the movie, one lived under the constant threat that someday they would find It's a Wonderful Life airing on every station, a kind of Orwellian nightmare that could turn even the biggest Christmas fan away from the Yuletide season forever.

I'll admit, as I always do, that I could be wrong about this; judging by the number of people who site the movie as their favorite, I probably am.*  So I've had to live with its presence; we even own it on DVD, though I don't think we've ever watched it.  It just seemed somehow sacrilegious to not have it.

*Of course, I have my own favorite, as I mentioned last year.

With that in mind, a few years ago I started thinking about how the movie might be saved, or at least made more palatable for people like me to watch.  And then it hit me - remake the movie as a buddy picture with George and Clarence being played by a famous comedy team.  Now, adaptations of It's a Wonderful Life have been done many, many times, probably as often as A Christmas Carol - after all, what better way to show someone the value of their life by demonstrating how different the world would have been without them.  But unlike Carol, nobody has ever tried to actually remake the original story with the original characters - instead, they invariably try to shoehorn it into a program's existing cast or storyline, and that misses much of the story's character.  Instead, all we do here is recast the two leads, and let their chemistry carry the rest.  Herewith, five suggestions for comedy teams that might be able to pull it off, and the relationships on which their performances would be based:

1.  Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie (Jeeves and Wooster)
I think this might be my favorite of all the variations.  Laurie, who's been in way better shows than House, would be perfect in adapting his well-meaning but bumbling Bertie Wooster to the uncomprehending George, while Fry, who was simply unflappable as the faithful valet Jeeves, would be a stellar Clarence.  Fry and Laurie are always wonderful together, and it would be terrific seeing them take on this pair.

2.  Bing Crosby and Bob Hope (The "Road" pictures)
Another thought that makes me smile.  With Crosby as the cool, hip Clarence and Hope as the neurotic George, these two could give Wonderful Life a well-needed facelift.  "C'mon, Junior, don't you get it?" Crosby/Clarence says.  "You were never even hatched from the egg."  Bonus points for casting Dorothy Lamour as Mary, and Joan Collins as Violet.

3.  Tony Randall and Jack Klugman (The Odd Couple)
Or Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau, if you prefer - either way, it works wonderfully.  "George, George, George," Randall/Clarence says sadly, "you've made such a messy life for yourself.  But just imagine if that life had never existed."  One drawback - Clarence's loud honking from his sinus condition after he and George are pulled from the freezing water.

4.  Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis (all their movies together)
Two scenes describe it all: Lewis/George falling to pieces when he finally figures out the truth of what Martin/Clarence is showing him, and the scene in Potterville where George runs after the spinster Mary: "Lady!  Hey, Laaaady!"  To which Clarence replies, "Pally, you got a lot of learnin' to do."

5.  Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman (Sherlock)
Not one you'd immediately think of, but then, why not?  Could anyone be more precise, logical and irritating than Sherlock Holmes as Clarence?  Not only would he demonstrate that George was now living in an alternate world, but he'd go on to explain exactly how he'd been able to do it.  Of course, you'd still have to explain how he and George survived going over the Reichenbach Falls.  Andrew Scott (Moriarity) makes a cameo appearance as Mr. Potter.

And there you have it.  See how easy it is?  There are others, of course: Charles Grodin and Robert DeNiro (Midnight Run, and wouldn't that be dark?) or Peter Falk and Alan Arkin (The In-Laws), but you get the idea.  I'm willing to stake my reputation that any one of these combos would make for a better movie than the original.  Or, at least, a different one.  But it makes for a great game for you readers playing along at home!  And I'm sure some of you might be able to come up with different pairings...