April 1, 2019

This week in TV Guide: April 1, 1983

It's something of a milestone day here at the blog. Not only do we have an unprecedented Monday edition of "This Week in TV Guide," today's installment represents the 366th edition (including a few repeats)—literally a year's worth of TV Guides. Therefore, it seems appropriate that we'd commemorate such an event on a special day.

But there's more! It's still Monday, so following our review of this week's issue, we'll have the listings from Wednesday of this week. Consider it two for the price of one!

Not only is it a special day, it's also a special issue; as you know, I'm not a big fan of TV Guides from the '80s onward, but I'm making an exception for this one, which came to me in the mail through the courtesy of my great and good friend Jodie Peeler. Therefore, with no further adieu, let's get started.

It's no surprise that this week's cover story, by

It's no surprise that Del Coronado's cover story is the mega-news that the mega-stars of Dynasty are jumping to NBC to star in "the biggest, dirtiest, most expensive adult drama of them all: Supermarket. It's the story of the King Kong supermarket (biggest in the world), owned by John Kong (John Forsythe), and his battle for supermarket supremacy against James Klooger (James Farentino), owner of the rival Klooger supermarket chain. So big is Kong that he has to have not one, but two mistresses: Joan (Joan Collins), who worked her way up from checkout girl to assistant manager of drugs and sundries; and Linda (Linda Evans), whom Kong discovered working in a dime store.

The enormous cast of 75 regulars includes Barbara Stanwyck as Kong's ex-wife; Doug Barr, Michael Sabatino, and Matt Dillon as his sons; Heather Locklear, Valerie Bertinelli, and Jaclyn Smith ans his daughters; and Donna Mills and Tony Franciosa as the in-laws. There's also Peter Graves, Bill Bixby, Bette Davis, Lana Turner, Robert Stack, Hal Linden, Polly Bergen, Lloyd Bridges, Morgan Fairchild, Buddy Ebsen, MacLean Stevenson, Lorenzo Lamas—well, at this point it's probably easier to list the people who aren't in the series.

According to NBC chief Grant Tinker, Supermarket has Number one stamped all over it. "We're going to have the finest nastiness and decadence on the air—deeper, more meaningful decadence and quality nastiness that will appeal to every age group." With all that going, how can Supermarket possibly fail? Says Tinker, "it's about real people, with real feelings. It just comes right through the TV screen and grabs you by the throat."

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Let's see what else is on this week:

Saturday: I think I've mentioned in the past that one of my favorite operas is Wagner's epic search for the Holy Grail, Parsifal. It's no surprise, therefore, that I'd be attracted to Parsifal & Co. (9:00 p.m., Channel 36), a modern version of the opera set in Trinidad. Sentimentalists might opt instead for Bert Parks's comeback after being sacked by the Miss America pageant; he hosts the brand-new Miss World Gorilla Pageant live from Nigeria (10:00 p.m., Channel 3). Lainie Kazan is on hand to perform "Blue Moon" and a medley of Beatles hits.

The Extremely Cultural Network has a program I would have wanted to watch on Sunday at noon; in Incredibly Great Performances, Leonard Bernstein leads the New York Philharmonic, Boston Symphony, and Philadelphia Orchestra in Beethoven's Fifth, Seventh, and Ninth symphonies simultaneously. No surprise there; after all, it's Lenny. Unfortunately, I would have had to miss the late night programming (school night, after all); at 10:00 p.m., Channel 4's Movie of the Night is "A Horse Called Man," in which "a boy is raised in the wilderness of northern Canada by wild horses, but eventually leaves them to become president of France." It stars Matt Dillon, Joey Bishop, and Bruno Ganz. At 11:00 p.m., Beret (Channel 5) features Beret (Robert Blake) avenging the killing of his pet tarantula; that's followed at 11:30 p.m. by The David Talk Show discussing a cure for cancer with Cindy Adams, John Havlicek, and The Eagles.

Monday features guest appearances by Karen Valentine and Charles Grodin on Little Hearse on the Prairie (6:30 p.m., Channel 10), in which Charley and Bill get drunk and forget about the body in the back of the hearse—you know, the one that needs embalming. Later, on Erik Estrada Tonight (Extremely Classical), Erik does readings from Conrad, Joyce, Melville, and Mann; that's followed by That's Stupid! with MacLean Stevenson (8:30 p.m., Channel 7), and Vanessa Redgrave narrates the variety special Snoopy Visits the PLO (9:00 p.m., Channel 9).

Roger Mudd hosts an NBC News Special on Tuesday (9:00 p.m.) exposing "ex-Nazis in show business." Mudd reports on "former S.S. and Wehrmacht offers [...] developing multimillion-dollar projects—hit musicals, TV shows, and award-winning films," and speculate that they may be "using the mass media to exercise a subtle form of mind control that will someday help bring a Fascist dictator to power". If that's too heavy, I'd suggest the George Carlin/Robert Klein Simultaneous Concert (11:15 p.m., Showtime on Broadway) or the sci-fi thriller Space Cadets on Saturn with Frankie Avalon and Bernadette Peters. (1:00 a.m., Your Movie Channel)

On Wednesday, Every Day Counts (9:00 p.m., Channel 2) pulls out all the stops in a very special episode: "A widowed father with eight children is sentenced to death for a crime he did not commit. His children try to get him acquitted, in their own wacky way, but every day the gas chamber looms closer." That's up against Those Are the Breaks (9:00 p.m., Channel 6), with Doug McClure, Chad Everett, Priscilla Presley, and Nipsey Russell guesting in a story that sees Doug's house and hardware store burned down in the same day. No worries, though; he "shrugs it off and starts afresh, with his new Cambodian wife and their 14 orphan children." And at 9:30 p.m. on Channel 13, What If poses the question "What if Marcel Proust had met the Beatles?" to panelists Steve Allen, Howard Cosell, Bill Russell, and Andy Gibb.

Thursday debuts a show that I think has some real promise. It's Hostage (10:00 p.m., Channel 2); although it doesn't say so, this sounds to me as if it must have been the pilot. "Every week a new person or group is held hostage by a terrorist or psychopathic criminal. The Special Hostage Rescue and Kill Team (S.H.R.K.) headed by Richard Dreyfuss and Billy Dee Williams have their work cut out for them." If that's a little too violent for you, I might suggest the new Bob Newhart comedy Funny Farm, with Newhart and Hope Lange as a husband and wife who inherit an insane asylum in Vermont (and try to manage it themselves." The guest cast includes a predictable Christopher Lloyd, but also Hal Linden, and a rare television appearance by Catherine Deneuve.

We wrap up the week on Friday wwith a new episode of Caspar Weinberger's Smarter People Than You! (The Upscale Channel), featuring an appropriate panel of Stevel Allen, Jonathan Miller, Jim Bouton, and Lech Walesa. On the other hand, if you're in the mood for something a little more genteel, there's PBS Anything-British Theater (8:30 p.m.); this week, it's "Mysterious Murders at the Bumhole Club," with Travertine Stoat as Cecilia Twoop, and Manfred Cuddles as Lord Bovril Groveling. If you're not ready for bed at 3:30 a.m. (and there's no hurry, since it's already Saturday morning), there's the late/early show on Your Movie Channel, "Attack of the Paperbacks," with radioactive mutant books attacking Tom Selleck, Doug Barr, and Lana Turner.i

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One of this week's big events is ABC's Movie of the Week, with the 8-hour network television premiere of Rocky XIII (Friday, ABC, 9:00 p.m.). Our hero, heavyweight champion Rocky Balboa dropping down to the welterweight division to take on the Human Piranha. The challenge comes when Rocky finds out he's been drafted to run for president of the United States, and has to decide between attending the nominating convention and fighting for the title.

Speaking of sports, Saturday has the National High-Speed Surgery Championships, live from the Houston Medical Center, hosted by Richard Chamberlain and Helen O'Connell (Channel 4). the Confederate Football League (CFL) makes its debut this week; the league's founders try to exploit the weekday morning football, with the kickoff featuring the Shreveport Shrimps taking on the Biloxi Weevils (8:00 a.m., Channel 2). And on Friday, the Jocks Only Network has the Filipino Rioting and Killing Finals from Manila (10:00 p.m.)

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And then there's Nina Popinjay's article on the famed international terrorist, Carlos the Jackal, and his continuing efforts to become an actor. "It's no big secret that I've been down and out for the past few years... I wasn't getting the big jobs anymore. The KGB wasn't talking to me. The younger kids were taking over." That led to drinking and eating too much, and watching soaps on TV. And that gave Carlos an idea. "I called a friend of mine who is in show business and I said I want to be one ofthose guys in the soaps. He said 'fine, but first you got to get a job as a waiter in a restaurant where the agents and producers eat, so you can be discovered.'" The rest, of course, is history, as Carlos now stars as Max in TV's hottest new show, Are They or Aren't They?

Finally, before we get to this week's listings in this strange hybrid post, I always enjoyed the TV Q&A feature, dating back to when readers would write in with questions about how honest TV repairmen were. This week, a reader asks "Do they make TV sets that play on the moon?" The answer: "Yes, but they only receive a few shows. You can watch Mork and Mindy, Bowling for Dollars, the Gong Show, Hello Larry, and Barnaby Jones." Here's a more practical question, from a reader who asks what brand VCR he should buy. "I can't endorse any specific brands in the magazine, but if you come over to the office we can talk about a nice deal on a very good one I want to sell myself, OK?" As I said, this was always a helpful feature.

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Now for the second party of our doubleheader: this week's listings. As I mentioned at the outset, these are from Wednesday, and because of the range covered by this issue, you'll notice that several of the stations include programming from other channels. See, split affiliations aren't dead yet!


 2  WGFD

MORNING


     6:30
PERSPECTIVE ON PERSPECTIVES

     7:30
TOXIC FOODS

    8 AM
CFL FOOTBALL
Shrimps at Weevils

   10:30
MEET YOUR MAKER

AFTERNOON

  12 PM
HANG BY YOUR FINGERNAILS—Game

   12:30
SEARCH FOR PASSION—Serial

    3 PM
WORLDS OF OUR CHILDREN—Serial

    4 PM
CIRCLES OF LOVE—Serial

    5 PM
COAST GUARD REPORT

EVENING

    6 PM
NOT QUITE THE NEWS

    8 PM
UNREAL PEOPLE

    9 PM
EVERY DAY COUNTS—Comedy

  10 PM
SUBWAY POLICE—Crime Drama

   10:30
THE STOCKBROKERS—Drama

  12 AM
PBS FUND-RAISING

    1 AM
LATE NIGHT GROOMING HYGIENE

     1:30
NEWS THAT GOT AWAY



 3  WJF

MORNING


     5:45
STRETCH YOUR MIND

  11 AM
LET’S VOMIT

AFTERNOON

    2 PM
LIVING A LIFE—Serial

EVENING

     8:30
POOR PEOPLE

     9:30
MY MISTRESS AND MIDGE—Comedy

    2 AM
ANOTHER MOVIE
“Kung Fu Khomeini” (1982)

     4:30
GARBAGE PICKUP



 4  WLKG (includes listings for Channel  6  )

MORNING


    5 AM
PERKY TALK SHOW

    7 AM
MORNING FUNSTERS

    9 AM
PICKAPEPPA & MARIE—Cartoon

AFTERNOON

   12:30
THE YOUNG AND THE OLD—Serial

    1 PM
DAYS AFTER TOMORROW—Serial

    2 PM
EMERGENCY HOSPITAL—Serial

    3 PM
CLOSE TO THE EDGE—Serial

    5 PM
MOVIE—Horror
“Dr. Mornay’s Fiendish Experiments” (1982)

EVENING

    7 PM
BIG TIME NEWS

    8 PM
DOPEY GUYS AND THEIR CHILDREN

    9 PM
THOSE ARETHE BREAKS

  10 PM
MOVIE OF THE HOUR—Comedy

  11 PM
NEWS THAT WON’T QUIT

    2 AM
DEAF, DUMB & BLIND THEATER



 5  WBT

MORNING

    8 AM
INTERRACIAL WEIGHT  LIFTING

     8:30
MOVIE—Drama
“All the Children I Never Had” (1979)

    9 AM
ANOREXIA EXERCISES

  10 AM
LET’S TAKE SOME TRANQUILIZERS!

   10:30
HOLLYWOOD PARASITES

  11 AM
GIGOLOS RETURN HOME

AFTERNOON

    2 PM
WAYS OF YOUR CHILDREN

    4 PM
UNDER THE NIGHT—Serial

     5:30
TALK OUT ABOUT ANYTHING

EVENING

    6 PM
BARNABY MULLER—German Crime Comedy

     7:30
THAT’S BELIEVABLE!—Jerry Van Dyke

    8 PM
THE BARONS OF BROWARD

     8:30
BOWIE KUHN SHOW

  10 PM
THE MOPES—Comedy

     1:30
HARNESS RACING FROM THE SOUTH BRONX

    3 AM
MARY TYLER MUGGA MUGA



 7  WST (includes listings for Channel 12 )

MORNING

    5 AM
GO BACK TO SLEEP

    6 AM
WE’RE UP AND YOU’RE NOT

     7:30
CATATONIC FESTIVAL

    8 AM
GIRLS IN SHORT PAJAMAS

  10 AM
CAPTURED CONVICTS

AFTERNOON

   12:30
NOBODY’S HOPE—Serial

     5:30
SNOOPERS

EVENING

    7 PM
THE MCKINLEYS—Comedy

    8 PM
BONER—Comedy

    9 PM
ADVENTURES OF THE SILVER FOX

     9:30
CRACKPOT BOWLING

  10 PM
PARTNERS IN GRIME—Comedy

  12 AM
MOVIE
“Sex Fiends on Broadway (1968)

    2 AM
THE WORLD OF PIERCE BROSNAN

    4 AM
OPTICAL ILLUSIONS

     4:30
YOUR FAMILY CREST



 8  KHG (includes listings for Channel  9  )

MORNING

     6:30
CRAFTY CARL—Cartoon

AFTERNOON

  12 PM
MATZOH BALL SOUP & MARIE

    1 PM
PICK YOUR NOSE—Game

    2 PM
CUCUMBERS & MARIE—Cartoon

    4 PM
DIVORCEES TALK BACK

EVENING

    7 PM
YOUR PHARMACEUTICAL RIGHTS

    8 PM
FAIRLY HAPPY DAYS—Comedy

     8:30
ALL CREATURES, EVERYWHERE

    9 PM
BOWLING FOR NOTHING

  10 PM
HOTCAKES AND MARIE

  11 PM
ENTERTAIN YOURSELF

  12 AM
VINYL OR LEATHER—Panel

    1 AM
MOONLIGHT THEATER
“The Buttocks of Dr. Orloff” (1980)

     3:30
TAKEOUT CHINESE FOOD



10 11 13 

MORNING

    5 AM
MADMEN ROAM THE STREETS

    6 AM
GET UP AND DANCE

    7 AM
WE’RE READY ANY TIME YOU ARE

    8 AM
CARTOONS FROM MARS

  10 AM
ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET HENRY KISSINGER—Cartoon

AFTERNOON

    2 PM
MOVIE—Comedy
“Lips Ahoy” (1949)

    4 PM
WOODY PECKER

EVENING

    6 PM
COMPUTER PASTA

     6:30
PORK BUTTS & MARIE

     8:30
BOBBY BOO SHOW

     9:30
WHAT IF
Panel: Steve Allen, Howard Cosell, Bill Russell, Andy Gibb

  10 PM
THE WORLD OF HERMANN GΓΆring

  12 AM
PILLOW FIGHTS



SUPERSTATION 21 35 

MORNING


    7 AM
NAGASAKI NEWS

  10 AM
EXAMINE YOUR UNDERWEAR

  11 AM
UNWANTED NOSE HAIR

   11:30
BARRY GLITZ SHOW

AFTERNOON

    1 PM
MUNDO MUNDO MUNDO

     1:30
NUCLEAR FAMILY YOGA

    2 PM
Q-TIPS

    3 PM
LASAGNA & SON

     5:30
MARY TYLER MOOSE—Cartoon

EVENING

    7 PM
SNAKEBITES

    8 PM
SPHINCTER REPORTS

   10:30
PEDRO FUMAR RETROSPECTIVE



BLT  (Your Food Network)

MORNING


  11 AM
FOODLESS MENUS

EVENING


    9 PM
ORGAN MEATS

   10:30
CHEESE READING



CDN  (Cable Disease Network)

MORNING


    6 AM
BAD DREAMS

    9 AM
HEART ATTACKS IN THE MORNING

  11 AM
GERMS FROM YOUR BED LINENS


HPN  (Handicapped People’s Network)

MORNING


    8 AM
STAY IN BED UNTIL THE NURSE ARRIVES

EVENING


  11 PM
DRINK HEARTY



JON  (Jocks Only Network)

MORNING


    8 AM
PEASANT HUNTING WITH CLIFF ROBERTSON

    9 AM
TENNIS
Bette Davis Open

  11 PM
HIGH-SPEED TURKEY STUFFING



RKO  (Your Movie Channel)

MORNING


    9 AM
MOVIE—Science Fiction
“Return of the Judi” (1983)

EVENING


   10:30
MOVIE—Crime
“Flotilla McGee” (1979)

  11 PM
MOVIE—Horror
“Don’t Look Under the Bead” (1979)

    3 AM
MOVIE—Drama
“Snowmobile 2000” (1980)



SOB  (Showtime on Broadway)

MORNING


    6 AM
MOVIE—Comedy/Drama
“The Pedro Fumar Story” (1945)

    8 AM
SPECIAL
“Miss Piggy Goes to Market”

  11 AM
MOVIE—Crime Drama
“The Albino Murders” (1980)

EVENING

  10 PM
THEATER
“Death of a Salesman” (Liverpool Mersey Midget Theater)

  12 AM
MOVIE—Western
“Lawless Marauders of the Plains” (1975)

     2:30
MOVIE—Science Fiction/Fantasy
“Prell” (1982)

Hope you enjoyed today's special edition TV  

4 comments:

  1. Priceless and well worth the confusion I had when I logged in and thought it was actually a Saturday. If only SCTV could have done promos for these actual shows....

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  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  3. I was first suspicious of this "issue" when I noticed the date April 1, 1983, which actually fell on a Friday (Good Friday that year). I bought "Not Quite TV Guide" once, and I think it's somewhere in my house. Some of the quotes in it was definitely not family-friendly. I handed my copy to my sister, who immediately knew it was a fake, since it has a thicker, slicker cover than the actual magazine.

    BTW, TV Guide did its own April Fools sections in 1963 (a 7-page section put together by Jay Ward's writers & cartoonists), 1969 & 1970 (2 pages of listings for these years).

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  4. I was almost hooked on Supermarket!

    Not so sure about Let's Vomit though!!?

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Thanks for writing! Drive safely!